Yelena & Jenn

     

One day while giving her little daughter Eva a stroll, Russian World Outdoor Record Holder in the Women's Pole Vault, Yelena Isinbayeva met up with her American rival, reigning Olympic Champion and World Indoor Record Holder, Jenn Suhr. This was how their encounter went.

YELENA: Hi Jenn.

JENN: Hi Yelena. How does it feel to not be in the spotlight anymore?

YELENA: Are you kidding? I have been very busy since winning my last major World Title two years ago. I was an official mayor in the Olympic Village when Sochi hosted the Winter Olympics last year. I gave birth to this beautiful little girl you see here and I also got married. What have you done? Besides lose?

JENN: I’ll just remind you that I am the reigning Olympic Champion in the Women’s Pole Vault; the most prestigious title in the sport and I am also the current World Indoor Record Holder in the event with a very impressive 5.02m clearance.

YELENA: All this talk and yet you couldn’t even win as much a bronze in Beijing at the World’s this year. I, on the other hand, have been a World Champion on three occasions and an Olympic Champion on two occasions. Too bad they don’t award medals to fourth place finishers otherwise you would have had a beautiful copper medal to add to your already small collection.

JENN: Just imagine a woman who is not a current champion in any major competition right now is giving me all this talk. You’re really shameless Yelena.

YELENA: Oh, I’m the shameless one. This is coming from a disrespectful American braggart who promised to “kick some Russian butt” in Beijing during the 2008 Olympics but only ended up in second place and then had no choice but to watch me set another World Record. I know you enjoyed my show that night at the Bird’s Nest. I was the big star that night and you were just an extra on the set who was hardly noticeable despite being 6 feet tall.

JENN: Yeah Yelena. The star who, a year later came back crashing down to earth in a city called Berlin. I really felt sorry for you that night at the 2009 World’s. In fact, if I was there I would have personally called the paramedics for them to rush you to the hospital. I know your ego was badly broken that night.

YELENA: It was Jenn. You’re right. That’s why I left the stadium that night in tears. I feel no shame in that. Any great athlete can have a bad day. But I like how you conveniently bring up Berlin yet you failed to mention what happened in Zurich a week and a half later at the Golden League.

JENN: Let me guess, you did something extraordinary?

YELENA: Precisely Jenn. I set a new world record which still stands today. 5.06m. I also went on to win a share of the last Golden League Jackpot along with Sanya Richards and Kenenisa Bekele. I had previously won a share of the Golden League Jackpot in 2007; also with Sanya. I was then nominated for Female Athlete of the Year 2009 by the IAAF – an award I had already won on three previous occasions in 2004, 2005 and 2008. I lost out to Sanya that year but I didn’t mind. She fully deserved it. By the way, how many times have you won the Golden League Jackpot or the prestigious Athlete of the Year honour?

JENN: Well ain’t that typical of you Yelena? Always talking about yourself and your achievements.

YELENA: Didn't you hear when I also mentioned Sanya Richards and Kenenisa Bekele? You're not good at listening are you Jenn? Oh, but do you still remember how I also defeated you in front of my adoring home fans in Moscow two years ago? Both you and Yarisley came in as favorites but I left with the title. Yarisley even defeated you in Beijing this summer didn’t she? Likewise Fabiana and Nikoleta. If I were you I would cherish the lovely memories I had from London 2012 for as long as I live because it is hardly likely that you will experience such a great win again.

At this point baby Eva started to cry, so Yelena took her out the pram and began to bottle feed her.

JENN: Moscow is in the past. Let’s talk about Rio. I’ll call it Yelena vs. Jenn part IV.

YELENA: Well at least you’re right about Yelena vs. somebody. I wouldn’t put the name Jenn there though seeing that Yarisley seems to be the girl to beat right now. Fabiana is also a factor. Likewise Nikoleta and even some of my Russian compatriots. Silke can’t be written off either seeing that she came so close to getting on the podium in London and Moscow even though she wasn’t a factor in Beijing. You can never tell what can happen. I know for sure that I’ll be ready to reassert my dominance over the competition once again just like I did for five straight years from 2004-2008.

JENN: Are you so sure about that Yelena?

YELENA: As Suhr as I was when I knew that I would have beaten you in 2008 and 2013. Pardon the pun.

JENN: Well it’s on then. May Rio determine who is the best woman in the sport.

YELENA: It’s already a well-established fact that I am the best. History and the Record Books can confirm this. Rio will only reaffirm my supremacy. Be prepared to enjoy the drama.

JENN: I will because I’ll be starring.

YELENA: I’ll write the script and direct it then.

At this point Jenn became speechless; unable to come up with an appropriate response. She just shook her head and humbly walked away as Yelena gave her a sly smile; quite satisfied that she had won the argument. She was now thinking about winning what mattered most - Olympic Gold in Rio next year.

A world without sports

             There was a hit song from 1983 called Break My Stride by Matthew Wilder. The opening line of the song went, 'Last night I had the strangest dream.' Well, last night I did in fact have the strangest dream. Although, frankly speaking there were times when the dream seemed more like a nightmare. In my dream I was living in a world where there was no such thing as sports so some of my favorite athletes found alternative ways to make a living regardless of how modest or extreme. Here's what I saw, Lionel Messi became a full time gaucho on the Pampas and spent a simple life raising cattle and selling beef. Abby Wambach was an LGBT activist advocating for equal rights for people who make up that community. Hope Solo and Alex Morgan were porn stars. Their on-screen names were Hope So Luscious and Alexandra Morgasm. Two of the more successful X-rated films they appeared in together were aptly titled On-Field Seductions and How Chicks Score.

              Ronda Rousey worked as a prison guard but still did what she does now - beat up people and break their arms. The only difference is that now she was doing it for less money and with more risks involved. Serena Williams became a professional twerker on YouTube and was more famous and successful than Virgo Peridot, Melody Jai and Elke The Stallion.Usain Bolt was now a Dance Hall artiste going by the name Sprinter and got into a never-ending conflict with Movado and Busy Signal.

          Maria Sharapova became a fashion model and appeared on catwalks all over the world from New York to Sydney. The only problem she had now was that she was barely recognizable seeing that there were so many tall, slim blondes in the profession. She never stood out. Novak Djokovic became a professional comedian in his native Serbia but couldn't find much fame outside his country and Roger Federer became CEO of Toblerone Chocolates; the company based in the Swiss Capital of Berne.

             But perhaps the strangest and most troublesome aspect of my dream was when World Record Holder and former World and Olympic Champion in the Women's pole vault - Yelena Isinbayeva divorced her husband Nikita, who is also the father of her daughter Eva, to marry Russian President Vladimir Putin effectively becoming First Lady of Russia and wife to a man many see as a despot. What was even more disturbing was when they hired Pussy Riot and t.A.T.u to perform at their wedding which was held in the Kremlin with innumerable guests. Too much to count. It was then that I fell out of bed and woke up screaming. My heart was still beating as fast as possible. But it was all over now. Phew! Thank God that it was just a dream and my favorite athletes still have the jobs which make them famous and wealthy and that ultimately makes me and the rest of their loyal fans quite happy.

In the News

                In the news today a Christian Fundamentalist group calling itself Soldiers for Christ blew up a building in an upscale part of the Saudi capital Riyadh, killing 25 people and injuring 77 in the process. Its claim is that it believes that it is about time that Christians be recognized as an oppressed minority in the Kingdom and that women of all religions should be given equal opportunity in the ultra conservative country. The leader of the group, Peter 'First Pope' St. John went on to state that if the Saudi Government didn't give in to its demands, it should expect more attacks. U.S. President Barack Obama was one of the first world leaders to condemn the attack, saying that Christian terrorism is wrong and that the people who committed such an atrocious act should be eliminated. He then stated that he will be flying to Riyadh soon to show solidarity with the Saudi people. Asked by reporters why he didn't do the same thing after the Charlie Hebdo massacre earlier this year in France, Obama responded, "what massacre in France?"

                In other news, the Japanese Government said that it is willing to accept some of the refugees who are fleeing war-torn Syria. Prime Minister Shinzo Abe, speaking to the press said, "our country has been racially and culturally homogeneous for too long. Its about time that we the Japanese people experience multiculturalism." "I think that it will be good for our country," Mr. Abe concluded, to loud cheers from Japanese and foreign journalists.

                 In the Vatican, Pope Francis I said that work is in place for the first synagogue to be built right next to St. Peter's Basilica. The Pontiff and successor of the first pope St. Peter, the apostle of Jesus, said that it was about time that the Catholic Church gives recognition to the Jewish people after all the wrongs that it has done to them in the past. The Pope also said that the synagogue will be named after the Virgin Mary.

                  In Ferguson, Missouri, USA, a mob of about twenty white rioters, angry over the result of a hockey game which they claimed was fixed, attacked a black news crew who went to cover the initial incident, beating a female reporter into a coma and then assaulting the camera man. One of the rioters filmed the whole incident on his mobile phone and was heard shouting: ''Stormfront!'' It was a reference to the White Supremacist website. Attorney General Loretta Lynch was quick to condemn the attack. She called it a hate crime and said that those caught will be brought to justice.

                  In sports news, Justin Gatlin said that he believes that reigning World and Olympic Champion Usain Bolt is using PED's. Gatlin was quoted as saying: "There's no way that that dude can run so fast and with such consistency." "I think he's doped." Bolt could not be reached for comment because he was in Jamaica training hard for his next meet and refused to answer any calls. In tennis, Maria Sharapova admitted that she is jealous of Serena Williams and her success. ''I really can't stand her.'' Sharapova is reported to have said. When pressed further, the Russian continued, ''if it wasn't for her I would have had more Grand Slams and an Olympic gold medal.'' She was then asked to explain how is it then that she lost the 2011 Wimbledon final to Petra Kvitova and the 2012 Australian Open final to Victoria Azarenka, when she came into both finals as the firm favorite to win seeing the it was both Ms. Kvitova's and Ms. Azarenka's first time appearing in Grand Slam finals and that she had been in finals before and even won some, Sharapova responded, ''Can't a girl have a bad day?''

               In entertainment news, a sex video of Miley Cyrus engaging in intimate acts with another unidentified girl and a guy is reported to be circulating on the internet. The video can be found on the website www.beaslut.com and can be downloaded for a small fee. Miley couldn't be reached for comment, but it is widely believed that the video was done to enhance her career, just like similar sex tape scandals enhanced the careers of Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian.

Gym Routines

                For the past six months now I have been going to the gym. I know that I wrote in an earlier blog that I prefer to run than go to the gym, but on the insistence of my sister, I decided to give it a try. I have to admit that it was not my intention to look like Mr. Olympia. I just wanted to look toned. I have to say that I didn't know how hard weight training is. It leaves you in pain and at my age that pain can be a bit difficult to bear sometimes. My favorite exercise whenever I go is to work out is running on the treadmill. Nothing seems more effortless than running on the treadmill. But then again, I love running. The weight training is another issue. Sometimes whenever I start my routine as directed by the gym-instructor, I struggle to even lift the weights. My muscles (or lack of it) hurts so bad. But I guess that is all part of it. As the saying goes: 'No Pain No Gain.' The first day I started going to the gym, I specifically told the instructor that I don't want to look too buff. I preferred to look more lean and toned, like Bruce Lee. He was quick to inform me that Bruce Lee dedicated his whole life to get his body and that his look was also part of his career. He was right. That said, I know that it was always going to be difficult whenever you start the gym. I always seem to get the impression that I am not doing enough or that I am not seeing the results that I want.

                There was this one time that I was lifting weights as instructed by my trainer and the pain was unbearable. I put the weights down and just started to rub my sore muscles that ached so badly. I am always amazed at folks who seem to be older than I and can do their routines with such ease and with apparent lack of effort. I always wonder to myself: 'Are they more disciplined than me?' 'Is it something genetic?' 'Do I still need more time?' Still, with all the weightlifting that I have been doing, my biceps are still soft. Sometimes I wish that life was like a cartoon. You know, like Popeye the Sailor. All he has to do is eat a can of spinach and "Voila" he is strong.  Unfortunately, this so-called instant strength that he gains from the spinach is only temporary though. So real life is not like a  cartoon where anything can happen. It requires a lot of discipline, dedication and hard work. It is still somewhat rewarding though that, after a hard day at the office, you can come into the gym and just forget the previous eight hours that just went by. What you did wrong or what you didn't do. How many difficult people you had to deal with who were constantly giving you attitude. You just change into your gym clothes and erase the bad work day you just had from your mind. Your main focus is on yourself. Getting that desired body that you always craved or losing those excess pounds.

               Beads of sweat pour down your face as you start to run on the treadmill. You then turn the speed up because you want to show off to the person next to you how much stamina you have gained and how fast you think you can run. And even when he or she is finished you still continue because you don't want to make it seem that you have been to the gym for so long and you are not "fit." You then go on the bike and do the same thing. But then, as the saying goes, "all good things must come to an end." Your gym instructor is now ready for you now to start an exercise and he points you to the barbell. Your jaw drops as he tells you to add on some more weights.  He then instructs you on how much repetitions you must do and your heart begins to beat faster than ever. It is then you realize that you are not as fit as you think you are and that achieving the specific goal you want is not going to happen overnight.  You continue to struggle with the routine with the hope to one day see dramatic results. Nothing is ever going to happen like magic. It requires a lot of hard work. If this wasn't the case, everyone would be fit. I guess the same can be said about life's other aspects. Hard work really does bring success. How long one is willing to work to achieve that success comes down to the individual's own determination to succeed.

A phone conversation between Serena and Maria

One night Maria Sharapova gave Serena Williams a call. Serena was a bit surprised but was still willing to listen to what the Russian had to say and she responded appropriately.

SW: Hello, who’s this?

MS: It’s your greatest rival.

SW: You don’t sound like Venus to me.

MS: I’m not Venus you dummy.  I’m Maria.

SW: With all due respect Maria, a blonde whom I’ve beaten countless times should be the last person on earth to call me dummy.

MS: Why do you always have to give people this attitude? Geez. Enough already.

SW: So let me get this straight, you call my phone in the middle of the night, call me dummy when I can’t recognize your voice, as if I was even supposed to anyway, and then you have the audacity to tell me that I have an attitude?

MS: What does audacity mean?

SW: You’re blonde. You wouldn’t understand if I tell you.

MS: Excuse me? Do you have something against blondes?

SW: Do you have something against me?

MS: Why would you think that I would have something against you?

SW: Well let’s see, like I said before, I have beaten you countless times on the tennis court on all surfaces. I have more overall titles than you. Including Grand Slams and career prize money. I am ranked number one in the world and I am the current holder of all the Grand Slam titles.

MS: You think winning titles is everything in sports?

SW: Yes. That’s why I’ve been so successful for more than a decade.

MS: Well I’ve been fairly successful too. I have made millions of dollars…………..in endorsements.

SW: Precisely. Just like your compatriot Anna Kournikova.

MS: Anna who?

SW: Kournikova. Another Russian blonde with an American accent who my sister Venus and I beat regularly when she played. She’s retired now.

MS: I have never heard of her.

SW: Of course you wouldn’t. You’re so full of yourself.

MS: I beg your pardon?

SW: Any woman who can name a candy line Sugarpova as a variation of her surname has to be full of herself.

MS: Don’t you think that it’s important that I look at other avenues of earning money? I can’t play tennis forever you know.

SW: And you think that as a professional athlete, selling candy to little children is the best way to earn money outside of tennis?

MS: Listen, it was just a suggestion by my agent and I thought that I’d go along with it. Is it my fault that the venture would have been a success? Besides, both you and I know that I also have the ability to win on the court. Can’t you remember how I beat you at Wimbledon in 2004?

SW: And how many times have I beaten you since then?

MS:  Such statistics are irrelevant to me. In addition to which, I also won the US Open in 2006, the Australian Open in 2008 and the French Open in 2012 and 2014.

SW: The statistics of my beating you would obviously be irrelevant to you because it is too much losses for you to count. Besides, this year I am going for the calendar Grand Slam; having copped the first three Grand Slams of 2015 already. Do you think you can do that Ms. Sugarpova?

MS:  Look, I can see that this is going nowhere. I have had enough.

SW:  Enough of what? This conversation or my beating you?

Maria, in a rage, slammed the phone down on Serena. Still angry, she thought to herself: ‘I’ve had it up to here with this girl. Her domination of women’s tennis has to stop. It’s time that I come up with a sinister plan just like another blonde in another sport did to her great rival some years ago.’ Soon after Maria went online and sent a friend request to Tonya Harding on Facebook.

My provoking neighbour

                            

                          Where I live I always try to get along well with my neighbours. I am always of the belief that its always good to have friends. Whenever I am going out and I see them on the road, I always try to be mannerly and give them the utmost respect by telling them good morning or good evening as the case may be. There are even times like on weekends when I go to buy my newspapers that I would pass by some of them to see if they would want a newspaper too. So its safe to say that I have a good relationship with them. There is a particular elderly neighbour though who I have known since I was a child. Although I respect him a lot like I do all my other neighbours, lately he is getting on my nerves. You see my neighbor Mr. C belongs to a certain religious faith. The church I attend is just opposite his apartment. I have been attending that church for four years and I am quite happy to go there. But in recent times Mr. C has taken it upon himself to "teach me the truth." There was this incident back in August when, after I purchased a newspaper for Mr. C, he proceeded to ask me questions about where do good people go to when they die.

                             I knew exactly where he was coming from with this and felt the urge to tell him that I was not interested in having a religious discussion, still, I fell for the bait and answered, "Heaven." He then proceeded to tell me to read a particular verse from the bible when I go home which apparently debunks that belief.  I didn't take him on. "Why should I?" I said to myself. "Do I tell him or any of his family when and how to read the bible?" I went home with the belief that he would have probably forgotten about it and I left it as that. Boy was I wrong. For the next couple of weeks whenever he saw me on the road he would consistently ask me if I had read the verse. I would promptly reply, "No." What got me pissed off one day was when he told me that I was "playing with my salvation." I thought to myself to tell him off right there and then.

 

                             It then dawned on me, "Is this the way Christians should behave?" "Arguing over who can "better interpret" the Bible?" Although I really felt tempted to give him a good piece of my mind. But then again don't we ask God so often in the ever popular "Our Father" prayer to "lead us not into temptation?" There was another time when his tone towards me became quite aggressive. He saw me in the streets and began to shout at me in a loud, provoking tone if I had finally read the particular Bible verse. I kindly responded once more with a "No." He again responded with his sarcastic "play with my salvation" comment. "Okay," was my sarcastic response. Now a lot of you may be saying that my response wasn't all that appropriate either, but try walking the streets minding your own business and your neighbor who is much older than you and whom you would think is mature, keeps on harassing you. I have to admit that I was tempted to tell him that God was punishing him for being so provoking because he has severe problems with his knees and moves with the aid of a walking-stick.

                              Then when I thought about it, it would have really been futile. After all, doesn't the Bible say in Proverbs 15:1 that,"A soft answer turneth away wrath, but grievous words stir up anger?"So if I were to lower my standards to insult him, it really won't make me any better than him would it? It would be rather immature of me.  So I have made up my mind from now that I would just continue to keep my calm and respond appropriately to Mr. C according to what is said in Proverbs. Either that or I would just not respond at all. If he gets insulting and sarcastic, I'll just smile and walk away.  For although he is older than me and physically bigger, I can DEFINITELY be bigger than him when the time arises. What Mr. C fails to realize is that although he may be more biblically versed than I am, the God we both serve is bigger than us and we'll both have to answer to him one day. Like it or not.

                    

What to write about?

                           I have the funny feeling that I may be suffering from writer's block. For weeks now I haven't been able to produce any new work. I honestly don't know what on earth seems to be the problem. I read a lot of newspapers and books. I watch my fair share of TV. I surf the internet regularly. Yet somehow I don't know what's wrong. Is it that I am not cut out for writing? Do I lack inspiration or motivation? Am I too confined? I really don't know. To some people writing comes naturally. They can just sit by their PC and come up with an interesting story right off the bat. Be it fact or fiction. Not me though. I am not so fortunate. Or is it blessed? I need to take my time to put my thoughts together. I need to think about what to write. Lets face it, I'll never be John Grisham, Michael Crichton  or William Shakespeare. I can only be me. One of the problems that I seem to have is that I don't travel much. My life seems to be an endless cycle of going to work and coming home, going to church on Sundays and coming home. Do I need to travel abroad in order to get the relative experience in order to further enhance my writing?

                            Somehow I tend to get that impression. Even right now as I am typing this, the appropriate words seem to be hard to find. I know there is a saying that 'nothing in life comes easy' and that only hard work can bring success. But try telling that to the university student who studied hard for four years, sacrificing nights of precious sleep in some instances and still failed his final year exams. Would that be of any consolation? Not that I am saying that I am going to be a failure or anything. But the sad thing is that in life nothing is ever certain. Except death. Sure I'd love to be a successful writer one day. Sure I'd love to leave my current job and do something as relaxing as writing. I love to just sit back with my thoughts flowing like a busted water main in front my PC and just start writing like there is no tomorrow focusing on a wide range of topics. Should I write about current events? Like the war taking place in the Middle East right now or the dreaded Ebola epidemic? Should I write about sports? Or the latest movies now playing in the local theatres? Everything is all out there isn't it? Its just to find the right topic that sparks my interest.

                               I remember as a kid in school whenever my English teacher gave us imaginative essays to write I would always eager to get it done. To me it was a great joy to write those types of essays. You can always make up something. To me it came naturally. It didn't matter the topic. Now I have to find a topic and write on it. I have to hope that people actually read it and like it. No easy task is it? I have to be careful in selecting my words and know which one to use in which context. I have to make sure that my work makes sense and that there is a good flow to it. I have to ensure that it is of sufficient length so it doesn't appear as if I have a limited vocabulary or knowledge. The problem I have right now is that I don't travel much. In addition to which, I seemed to be bogged down by my current job which seems to be like a  life sentence. Now don't get me wrong, I am very much grateful for my job. Even though it may not be my dream job and I am not very fond of it. Still it pays the bills and puts food on the table. That said, it would still be wonderful to put pen to paper and come up with a brilliant story on a regular basis. It would be one which captivates the reader and brings a smile to their face.

                                 Is that so hard for me to do? Do I need someone to help me? Do I need divine intervention? I am at a loss right now. How is it that some people who are aspiring writers just seem to have a knack for coming up with brilliant work almost like nothing and there are others who just can't seem to get it right no matter how hard they try? Is that fair? What is it that establishes a great writer from a not-so-good -writer? Frankly speaking, not even I know the answer to that question. I guess I just need to keep on trying and trying to perfect the art of writing until someday, somehow, by divine intervention or otherwise, I finally become the writer that I am striving to be. It may be in the distant future or near future, but someday, I have the feeling, I'll finally reach my true potential. Fingers crossed.