Thursday 29 October 2015

Olympic Developments

                           The Olympic Games in Rio is less than a year away and naturally many countries are already preparing its athletes to take part in the world's greatest sporting spectacle. So here is a little rundown on how some countries are going about its Olympic preparations.

                          Four years after it sent its first female athlete to an Olympic Games, Saudi Arabia is planning to send its first ever synchronized swimming team to Rio. The team, which is trained by former Russian team coach, Svetlana Musakova, is said to be hard at work preparing for the event. Speaking to The Sports Times, Ms. Musakova said, 'well baysed on wot I see so far, dese team ees fool of good potential.' 'Don't be sorprised eef dey ween gold.' Asked if she thinks that the Saudi women can seriously challenge the more traditional powerhouses in the sport like Spain, Japan or even her native Russia, Ms. Musakova responded, 'deedn't you hear wot I said a while ago?'

                         The Caribbean Community (Caricom) says that in order to seriously challenge the Americans in Rio, they will be sending one team to represent the region at  the Olympics similar to the Unified Team which participated in Barcelona '92 following the collapse of the Soviet Union. The team however will consist of ninety percent Jamaicans, with the other ten percent  being from Trinidad & Tobago and Grenada. The reason it gave for the disproportionate amount of Jamaicans as opposed to the other nationalities of athletes, is that Jamaican athletes are typically better at sports than the other Caricom countries. Usain Bolt will carry the Caricom flag at the opening ceremony. There is still contention though about which song to play as the official anthem if a Caricom athlete wins gold. While the Trinidad & Tobago athletes want David Rudder's Rally 'Round the West Indies as the anthem, the Jamaicans are adamant that Bob Marley's One Love be played at the victory ceremonies. The point they tried to make to Caricom is that Marley is far more popular than Rudder. This did not sit too well with the Trinidad & Tobago faction who took it as an insult.
                         
                        Finally, in order to dispel the notion that their country is homophobic, the Russian Olympic Committee announced that it will be sending its first openly gay wrestlers to Rio. President of the Committee, Alexander Zhukov, in an interview with Kremlin Today, one of the few English language newspapers in Russia, said, 'we Russians are not homophobic at all.' 'We accept everybody regardless of creed, race, religion or sexual orientation.' 'It is the Western media who love to spread propaganda about the Russian people.' Mr. Zhukov further went on to explain though, that when the Russian National Championships are held to choose the wrestlers who will represent Team Russia at the Olympics, gays will not be allowed to wrestle with straight wrestlers so as to not make the latter feel uncomfortable. The gay wrestlers will fight against each other in all the weight divisions.

Monday 26 October 2015

A former Catholic questions the Pope in an email

John Doe <formercatholic@bible.com>

Dear Mr. Pope,

Greetings!
      First of all I hope that I did not offend you by referring to you as 'Mr. Pope' as opposed to 'Holy Father.' The  reason why I am sending you this email is that there are certain things that I am confused about concerning the teachings of the Catholic Church. You see, I am not Catholic anymore because I believe that I have finally seen the light. That said, I still consider myself Christian. I know that being the learned man of God that you are, you would have no problems answering some of the questions which I am about to ask you.
           
    My first question Mr. Pope is this, why is it that your followers who I believe are quite devout Christians have to refer to you as 'Holy Father' when Jesus himself, the man who you claim to follow said in the Bible in Matthew 23:9, 'call NO MAN on earth Father for you only have ONE Father, who is in heaven'? Wouldn't that be a blatant disregard of Jesus' teachings? I always  had a problem with that when I was one of your followers. Whenever non-Catholics questioned me on that, I would feel so embarrassed and I honestly never knew how to respond.

    Secondly,  to whom are the followers of the church you lead supposed to pray? If the answer is God then why do you say the 'Hail Mary,' 'Hail Holy Queen', 'Memorare' and the numerous prayers to the many saints? Wouldn't that be deliberately disobeying the first commandment in Exodus 20:3? Even God himself said in Deuteronomy 5:9 that he is a jealous God. So why would you and your followers want to make your own God jealous?

    Thirdly, in Deuteronomy 5:8, God clearly states that it is forbidden to make any graven images of anything that is in heaven or on the earth or in the waters neither must we serve them. Then why is it that Catholic cathedrals are notorious for having graven images of  Jesus, St. Peter and the Virgin Mary? While still on the topic of the Virgin Mary, why is it that the Catholic Church teaches that Mary was sinless when it is clearly stated in Romans 3:23 that ALL have sinned and have come short of the glory of God? In fact, even Mary admitted that she needed a saviour in Luke 1:47. What was God going to save her from? Sin or Roman dominion? Also, why is it taught in Catholicism that she went to heaven both body and soul when 1 Corinthians 15:50 states that flesh and blood cannot inherit the kingdom of God? Why is it also taught that she remained a virgin when Matthew 1:25 clearly contradicts the Catholic Church's teaching regarding the perpetual virginity of Mary?

      Fourthly, why is it that Catholics are supposed to confess their sins to a priest? How can a sinful man forgive someone's sins? John said in 1 John 1:9 'If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.' He was not referring to a priest here. He was referring to God. If you want to cite James 5:16 to justify the confession of sins to a priest, then why is it that the priest doesn't tell us his sins?
Finally, can you quote for me one scripture from the Bible where I will find the word PURGATORY and also the book, chapter and verse which also states that the souls which are "not too good" to enter heaven and "not too bad" to go to hell actually end up there?
I sincerely hope that my questions are not too difficult for you sir and I look forward to a favourable response.
  
Sincerely,
John Doe
Former Catholic

Thursday 22 October 2015

Pun with History

              I have to admit that I love history. I always enjoy reading articles online about historical figures and I even bought a book on ancient Rome filled with interesting stories about what went on there centuries ago. Some of the stories are quite fascinating, while others are quite sordid. But my interest in historical events is not only limited to ancient Rome. Occasionally I also read up on other historical figures from other countries and also religious people. These figures have gained fame, wealth and yes, notoriety throughout time. Some of them can even be considered the greatest people to have graced the earth and have gathered a huge legion of followers even centuries after their deaths. People like these have touched many lives in both positive and negative ways. More importantly though, the lives of these men and women can serve as lessons from which we can all learn. So here I have written a brief account of the lives of some selected historical figures and what we can learn from them.
 
            Julius Caesar: He was Rome's greatest general and perhaps most famous figure. Some might even call him a military genius for he won many battles. He launched a bloody civil war against former colleague Pompey and won. Later, Caesar made himself Dictator for life. This did not go down too well with some of his so called friends. These "friends" thought that he was getting too powerful so they spun a deadly plot to have him eliminated. On the ides of March 44 BC, Caesar was brutally assassinated in front of a horrified Senate by a gang of conspirators armed with daggers and lead by Marcus Junius Brutus and  Gaius Cassius Longinus. What can we learn from Caesar's experience? Always be careful of who you make your friends or you might end up getting stabbed in the back.
 
            Marie Antoinette: The daughter of the Holy Roman Emperor Francis I, she married Louis XVI in 1770 to strengthen the French-Austrian alliance. At a time of economic turmoil in France, she lived extravagantly and encouraged her husband to resist reform of the monarchy. In one episode, she allegedly responded to news that the French peasantry had no bread to eat by callously replying, “Let them eat cake.” The increasing revolutionary uproar convinced the king and queen to attempt an escape to Austria in 1791, but they were captured by revolutionary forces and carried back to Paris. In 1792, the French monarchy was abolished, and Louis and Marie-Antoinette were condemned for treason. On 16 October 1793, roughly nine months after Louis was executed by guillotine, Marie-Antoinette met a similar fate. What can we learn from this? Sometimes if we allow our powerful positions to get the better of us, we can lose our heads.

            Jesus Christ: Considered by many to be the greatest person who ever lived. He came to the Jewish people in Roman-occupied  Palestine in about 30 AD as the promised Messiah foretold about by the Prophets in the ancient scriptures  and preached a message of  peace and love for your fellowman including your enemies. He performed many miracles including healing the sick and raising the dead and touched the lives of many people. Soon he began to attract a legion of followers. The Jewish authorities at the time saw him as a threat and plotted to have him killed because they thought that he was disobeying the Jewish traditions at the time with his new teachings. One of Jesus' followers, Judas Iscariot eventually went against him and conspired with the Sanhedrin to  have Jesus arrested. Judas was paid thirty pieces of silver to lead them to Jesus. In the Garden of Gethsemane, Judas identified Jesus by giving him a kiss of betrayal. Jesus was then apprehended, found guilty of  crimes he didn't commit and handed over to the Romans to be crucified. Overcome with remorse because he betrayed innocent blood, Judas tried to give the money back to the Jewish authorities who refused to accept the "blood money."  Feeling guilty about the fact that he conspired against his master, Judas went and hung himself. What can we learn from this? If you go against Jesus, you can kiss your life good-bye.

Monday 19 October 2015

Odd happenings from around the world

  
                   In Brazil, Andressa Soares, also known as the Watermelon Lady, has been arrested, charged and could potentially face incarceration for one year and fined 1000,000.00 reals. Her crime? Twerking on Copacabana Beach in a G-string in front a group of amorous teenaged-boys. The buxom beauty and YouTube sensation who has gained fame for her voluptuous figure, huge, curvaceous derriere and sultry dance moves which places great emphasis on her rear-end was shocked and saddened by the news. A teary-eyed Soares said, 'I am so ashamed and sorry for what I have done. 'I have disgraced myself and my family.' 'I don't know what came over me.'  The police officer who arrested the bombshell, Clovis de Oliviera said, 'I decided to make an example out of her.' 'We can't live in a country in which there is a huge statue of Jesus over-looking our most famous city Rio de Janeiro and then have this young lady behave like this. Doesn't she realize that that is how the world typically sees Brazilian women? They are seen as nothing more than women who are there just for the sake of getting men sexually aroused.' 'This cannot be right.' Officer de Oliviera also plans to bring a petition to the Mayor of Rio, Eduardo Paes, lobbying for the city's world-famous Carnival to be permanently banned.

                   In Venezuela, President Nicolas Maduro plans to bring a piece of legislation before the National Assembly which would effectively give his predecessor and late President - Hugo Chavez, deity-status similar to Kim Jong Il and Kim Il-sung in North Korea. It would also be illegal to deny that Mr. Chavez is a god and every home in the oil-rich South American country would be required to have a picture of him displayed. Those who deny that Chavez is a god and who fail to find a suitable portrait of him to display in their homes will be charged with blasphemy and be incarcerated indefinitely. Speaking to reporters regarding the controversial issue, Mr. Maduro said, 'Lord Chavez has done so much for this wonderful country.' 'Especially when he turned it into a Socialist state.' 'Venezuelans couldn't be happier.' 'This was the least that we could have done for him.' 'I know that Lord Chavez is looking down on the Venezuelan people right now from his heavenly home, smiling and giving us his eternal blessings.' 'Even the evil, sinful, right-wing opposition whom he always forgives despite their numerous short-comings.' 'I know for a fact that the new law would make all of us very happy.'
 
                   In Iran, the people of Barsian Village have elected their first Jewish mayor. Ehud Ben Eleazer, a former doctor who originally hails from Tel Aviv, Israel was elected in a landslide vote. Mr. Eleazer was quite thankful to all the villagers who elected him into office. Speaking to his supporters after his stunning victory over heavy-favorite Hassan Nouri, Eleazer said, 'I would like to thank all of you for your support during this election.' 'It just goes to show that Iranians are not hateful towards Jews as the Western media loves to assume.' 'I am looking forward to giving you people of Barsian Village the best representation ever.' Mr. Eleazer also went on to state that one of the first things that he will do as mayor is to humbly ask permission from the Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei for Hanukkah to be made an official holiday in the village with the hope of one day making it a national public holiday before his term as mayor ends. He will also try to convince Mr. Khamenei to make it a crime for anyone to deny the Holocaust and that those who do will be punished by public execution.

Tuesday 13 October 2015

Boasts from the Sporting World

              Dutch coach Danny Blind still believes that his team can make it to the Euro tournament next year despite the fact that they don't have their fate in their own hands. Speaking to Dutch sports channel Nedersport ahead of their must-win game against the already-qualified Czech Republic, Mr. Blind said, 'Of course I believe we will still qualify.' 'Belief is all you need.' 'And a little luck.' Unfortunately the rest of the Dutch camp didn't share the same sentiments. To motivate the deflated team, Mr. Blind plans to show them clips of the Euro 1988 Final and their opening Group B win over Spain from the last World Cup. After that he says that the whole team and technical staff will hold hands and pray for a miracle. Those who are Catholic will say the Rosary.

              Carli Lloyd says that she will win the FIFA Women's Player of the Year award for 2015. Speaking to this reporter, the midfielder and hero of the US Women's triumph at the Women's World Cup final in Canada back in July said, 'Without a doubt I will win it.' 'Didn't you see my performance in the World Cup final?' 'Those Japanese girls couldn't stand a chance against my fire power.' 'Besides, which other woman has scored a hat-trick in a World Cup final?' 

              Former FIFA Women's Player of the Year Marta says that the Brazilian women will win gold at the Olympics next year. Speaking to O' Globo Sport, the star striker said, 'We have been in two Olympic finals before and have fallen just short. I think that 2016 will be our year. We are not afraid of the Americans. Even though they are the reigning World and Olympic Champions. We do have a team that can beat them. Remember how we humiliated them 4-0 at the 2007 World Cup?'
 
              Maria Sharapova has boldly predicted that she will win another Grand Slam title next year. Speaking to the sports website Sportsforlife.com, the tall Russian said, 'I will win a Grand Slam title next year.' 'After all, 2016 is a year ending in an even number and it is also an Olympic year.' 'If you know my history, I typically win Grand Slams in years ending in even numbers and Olympic years which also end in even numbers.' 'Just look at my Grand Slam wins: 2004 - Wimbledon, even number/Olympic year, 2006 - U.S. Open, even number year, 2008 - Australian Open, even number/Olympic year, 2012 - French Open, even number/Olympic year and 2014 - French Open, even number year.' 'You see the pattern?'

             Holly Holm says that she will beat Ronda Rousey to a pulp in their upcoming bout. Speaking to MMA News, the former boxer turned MMA fighter said, 'I've seen numerous clips of her fighting and I can positively state that her punching power has left much to be desired.' 'Doesn't Ronda know that I am coming from a strong boxing background?' In response Rousey said, 'didn't that bimbo see what I did to the Brazilian braggart Bethe Correira in my last bout?' 'Holly would be lucky if she lasts twenty seconds with me.' 'She better watch her mouth or she may end up having to pay for a new one.' 'It may be either her mouth or her arm.' 'Either way I'll be satisfied,' the reigning UFC Women's Bantamweight Champion  said.

             Finally, Manny Pacquiao says that if Floyd Mayweather had only given him a rematch, he would have gotten his revenge. Speaking to Boxer.com, the Filipino stated that the reason why Mayweather didn't give him a rematch is that he is afraid of him. Mayweather couldn't be reached for comment because it is believed that he was too busy counting the money he made from his last two fights.

            

             

          

Thursday 8 October 2015

Faux the tabloids

Miley Cyrus says that she is giving up her bad girl image. Writing on her Facebook page, Ms. Cyrus stated that she is ashamed of her behaviour over the past few years. She also mentioned that she is fed up of giving her father Billy Ray an achy breaky heart. In order to clean up her act, the Wrecking Ball singer went on to say that she will be wearing a chastity belt and staying at a convent for one year. She hopes that the experience there will make her more spiritual and that it brings her closer to God. Her post has received over one million likes as of this writing.

X-rated movie legend Ron Jeremy states that he is finally settling down and getting married. Speaking to this reporter, Jeremy said,  'I am proud to let you know that I am finally settling down and getting married. No more promiscuity for me.' 'The lovely lady who has stolen my heart is none other than fellow X-rated movie legend Nina Hartley.' He also went on to say that the wedding will take place at a nudist colony.

 Angelina Jolie  has admitted that she is missing her breasts and that she regrets having the double-mastectomy she had two years ago. Writing on her Twitter account @AngelinaJolie, the Oscar-winning actress said: 'sometimes you do things that you regret and doing this (the double-mastectomy) was one of the biggest mistakes of my life seeing that I never had cancer to begin with.' 'I really miss them, even though they weren't so voluptuous, they were still mine and they were real. Having little is still better than having none at all.' The tweet has been favourited over one million times and has had over five hundred thousand re-tweets.
          
Madonna was recently spotted  on an Acapulco beach  making out with a young Mexican man. Asked if she was in  yet another relationship, the sometimes controversial Queen of Pop  replied, 'you know how I have a fetish for  Latino men.' 'Don't you remember that the first child I had, Lourdes, was by one of my hunky backup Latino dancers Carlos Leon?'

Kanye West has admitted in an interview that the only reason he hooked up with Kim Kardashian was the fact that she has a big butt. 'Well you know, as a black man I always like a girl with some junk in the trunk. You know what I'm saying?' 'And Kim's got plenty. I don't care if it's implants or not.' Kim couldn't be reached for comment.

 Caitlin Jenner, also known as Bruce, has admitted that  new life as a woman is extremely difficult. Speaking to Faux Entertainment Magazine, Jenner confessed, 'it's been very hard these past couple of months.' 'I never knew that being a woman would have been such a challenging experience.' 'Maybe I should have consulted a psychologist before I made such a decision, but I just didn't have the balls,' an emotional Jenner said. Well she certainly doesn't have them now.
              
 Finally, Kristen Stewart is to receive a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. The Twilight  actress and former Razzie winner said that she was 'overly ecstatic by the wonderful news.' She also admitted that life as an actress is tough, but she is glad that she is finally being given the recognition that she fully deserves for her outstanding contribution to the field.