Olympic Developments

                           The Olympic Games in Rio is less than a year away and naturally many countries are already preparing its athletes to take part in the world's greatest sporting spectacle. So here is a little rundown on how some countries are going about its Olympic preparations.

                          Four years after it sent its first female athlete to an Olympic Games, Saudi Arabia is planning to send its first ever synchronized swimming team to Rio. The team, which is trained by former Russian team coach, Svetlana Musakova, is said to be hard at work preparing for the event. Speaking to The Sports Times, Ms. Musakova said, 'well baysed on wot I see so far, dese team ees fool of good potential.' 'Don't be sorprised eef dey ween gold.' Asked if she thinks that the Saudi women can seriously challenge the more traditional powerhouses in the sport like Spain, Japan or even her native Russia, Ms. Musakova responded, 'deedn't you hear wot I said a while ago?'

                         The Caribbean Community (Caricom) says that in order to seriously challenge the Americans in Rio, they will be sending one team to represent the region at  the Olympics similar to the Unified Team which participated in Barcelona '92 following the collapse of the Soviet Union. The team however will consist of ninety percent Jamaicans, with the other ten percent  being from Trinidad & Tobago and Grenada. The reason it gave for the disproportionate amount of Jamaicans as opposed to the other nationalities of athletes, is that Jamaican athletes are typically better at sports than the other Caricom countries. Usain Bolt will carry the Caricom flag at the opening ceremony. There is still contention though about which song to play as the official anthem if a Caricom athlete wins gold. While the Trinidad & Tobago athletes want David Rudder's Rally 'Round the West Indies as the anthem, the Jamaicans are adamant that Bob Marley's One Love be played at the victory ceremonies. The point they tried to make to Caricom is that Marley is far more popular than Rudder. This did not sit too well with the Trinidad & Tobago faction who took it as an insult.
                         
                        Finally, in order to dispel the notion that their country is homophobic, the Russian Olympic Committee announced that it will be sending its first openly gay wrestlers to Rio. President of the Committee, Alexander Zhukov, in an interview with Kremlin Today, one of the few English language newspapers in Russia, said, 'we Russians are not homophobic at all.' 'We accept everybody regardless of creed, race, religion or sexual orientation.' 'It is the Western media who love to spread propaganda about the Russian people.' Mr. Zhukov further went on to explain though, that when the Russian National Championships are held to choose the wrestlers who will represent Team Russia at the Olympics, gays will not be allowed to wrestle with straight wrestlers so as to not make the latter feel uncomfortable. The gay wrestlers will fight against each other in all the weight divisions.

A former Catholic questions the Pope in an email

John Doe <formercatholic@bible.com>

To <vicarofchrist@vatican.rom>

Dear Mr. Pope,

Greetings!

      First of all I hope that I did not offend you by referring to you as 'Mr. Pope' as opposed to 'Holy Father.' The  reason why I am sending you this email is that there are certain things that I am confused about concerning the teachings of the Catholic Church. You see, I am not Catholic anymore because I believe that I have finally seen the light. That said, I still consider myself Christian. I know that being the learned man of God that you are, you would have no problems answering some of the questions which I am about to ask you.
           

    My first question Mr. Pope is this, why is it that your followers who I believe are quite devout Christians have to refer to you as 'Holy Father' when Jesus himself, the man who you claim to follow said in the Bible in Matthew 23:9, 'call NO MAN on earth Father for you only have ONE Father, who is in heaven'? Wouldn't that be a blatant disregard of Jesus' teachings? I always  had a problem with that when I was one of your followers. Whenever non-Catholics questioned me on that, I would feel so embarrassed and I honestly never knew how to respond.

    Secondly,  to whom are the followers of the church you lead supposed to pray? If the answer is God then why do you say the 'Hail Mary,' 'Hail Holy Queen', 'Memorare' and the numerous prayers to the many saints? Wouldn't that be deliberately disobeying the first commandment in Exodus 20:3? Even God himself said in Deuteronomy 5:9 that he is a jealous God. So why would you and your followers want to make your own God jealous?

    Thirdly, in Deuteronomy 5:8, God clearly states that it is forbidden to make any graven images of anything that is in heaven or on the earth or in the waters neither must we serve them. Then why is it that Catholic cathedrals are notorious for having graven images of  Jesus, St. Peter and the Virgin Mary? While still on the topic of the Virgin Mary, why is it that the Catholic Church teaches that Mary was sinless when it is clearly stated in Romans 3:23 that ALL have sinned and have come short of the glory of God? In fact, even Mary admitted that she needed a saviour in Luke 1:47. What was God going to save her from? Sin or Roman dominion? Also, why is it taught in Catholicism that she went to heaven both body and soul when 1 Corinthians 15:50 states that flesh and blood cannot inherit the kingdom of God? Why is it also taught that she remained a virgin when Matthew 1:25 clearly contradicts the Catholic Church's teaching regarding the perpetual virginity of Mary?

      Fourthly, why is it that Catholics are supposed to confess their sins to a priest? How can a sinful man forgive someone's sins? John said in 1 John 1:9 'If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.' He was not referring to a priest here. He was referring to God. If you want to cite James 5:16 to justify the confession of sins to a priest, then why is it that the priest doesn't tell us his sins?

Finally, can you quote for me one scripture from the Bible where I will find the word PURGATORY and also the book, chapter and verse which also states that the souls which are "not too good" to enter heaven and "not too bad" to go to hell actually end up there?

I sincerely hope that my questions are not too difficult for you sir and I look forward to a favourable response.
  

Sincerely,

John Doe

Former Catholic

Pun with History

              I have to admit that I love history. I always enjoy reading articles online about historical figures and I even bought a book on ancient Rome filled with interesting stories about what went on there centuries ago. Some of the stories are quite fascinating, while others are quite sordid. But my interest in historical events is not only limited to ancient Rome. Occasionally I also read up on other historical figures from other countries and also religious people. These figures have gained fame, wealth and yes, notoriety throughout time. Some of them can even be considered the greatest people to have graced the earth and have gathered a huge legion of followers even centuries after their deaths. People like these have touched many lives in both positive and negative ways. More importantly though, the lives of these men and women can serve as lessons from which we can all learn. So here I have written a brief account of the lives of some selected historical figures and what we can learn from them.

 

            Julius Caesar: He was Rome's greatest general and perhaps most famous figure. Some might even call him a military genius for he won many battles. He launched a bloody civil war against former colleague Pompey and won. Later, Caesar made himself Dictator for life. This did not go down too well with some of his so called friends. These "friends" thought that he was getting too powerful so they spun a deadly plot to have him eliminated. On the ides of March 44 BC, Caesar was brutally assassinated in front of a horrified Senate by a gang of conspirators armed with daggers and lead by Marcus Junius Brutus and  Gaius Cassius Longinus. What can we learn from Caesar's experience? Always be careful of who you make your friends or you might end up getting stabbed in the back.

 

            Marie Antoinette: The daughter of the Holy Roman Emperor Francis I, she married Louis XVI in 1770 to strengthen the French-Austrian alliance. At a time of economic turmoil in France, she lived extravagantly and encouraged her husband to resist reform of the monarchy. In one episode, she allegedly responded to news that the French peasantry had no bread to eat by callously replying, “Let them eat cake.” The increasing revolutionary uproar convinced the king and queen to attempt an escape to Austria in 1791, but they were captured by revolutionary forces and carried back to Paris. In 1792, the French monarchy was abolished, and Louis and Marie-Antoinette were condemned for treason. On 16 October 1793, roughly nine months after Louis was executed by guillotine, Marie-Antoinette met a similar fate. What can we learn from this? Sometimes if we allow our powerful positions to get the better of us, we can lose our heads.

            Jesus Christ: Considered by many to be the greatest person who ever lived. He came to the Jewish people in Roman-occupied  Palestine in about 30 AD as the promised Messiah foretold about by the Prophets in the ancient scriptures  and preached a message of  peace and love for your fellowman including your enemies. He performed many miracles including healing the sick and raising the dead and touched the lives of many people. Soon he began to attract a legion of followers. The Jewish authorities at the time saw him as a threat and plotted to have him killed because they thought that he was disobeying the Jewish traditions at the time with his new teachings. One of Jesus' followers, Judas Iscariot eventually went against him and conspired with the Sanhedrin to  have Jesus arrested. Judas was paid thirty pieces of silver to lead them to Jesus. In the Garden of Gethsemane, Judas identified Jesus by giving him a kiss of betrayal. Jesus was then apprehended, found guilty of  crimes he didn't commit and handed over to the Romans to be crucified. Overcome with remorse because he betrayed innocent blood, Judas tried to give the money back to the Jewish authorities who refused to accept the "blood money."  Feeling guilty about the fact that he conspired against his master, Judas went and hung himself. What can we learn from this? If you go against Jesus, you can kiss your life good-bye.

Odd happenings from around the world

  

                   In Brazil, Andressa Soares, also known as the Watermelon Lady, has been arrested, charged and could potentially face incarceration for one year and fined 1000,000.00 reals. Her crime? Twerking on Copacabana Beach in a G-string in front a group of amorous teenaged-boys. The buxom beauty and YouTube sensation who has gained fame for her voluptuous figure, huge, curvaceous derriere and sultry dance moves which places great emphasis on her rear-end was shocked and saddened by the news. A teary-eyed Soares said, 'I am so ashamed and sorry for what I have done. 'I have disgraced myself and my family.' 'I don't know what came over me.'  The police officer who arrested the bombshell, Clovis de Oliviera said, 'I decided to make an example out of her.' 'We can't live in a country in which there is a huge statue of Jesus over-looking our most famous city Rio de Janeiro and then have this young lady behave like this. Doesn't she realize that that is how the world typically sees Brazilian women? They are seen as nothing more than women who are there just for the sake of getting men sexually aroused.' 'This cannot be right.' Officer de Oliviera also plans to bring a petition to the Mayor of Rio, Eduardo Paes, lobbying for the city's world-famous Carnival to be permanently banned.

                   In Venezuela, President Nicolas Maduro plans to bring a piece of legislation before the National Assembly which would effectively give his predecessor and late President - Hugo Chavez, deity-status similar to Kim Jong Il and Kim Il-sung in North Korea. It would also be illegal to deny that Mr. Chavez is a god and every home in the oil-rich South American country would be required to have a picture of him displayed. Those who deny that Chavez is a god and who fail to find a suitable portrait of him to display in their homes will be charged with blasphemy and be incarcerated indefinitely. Speaking to reporters regarding the controversial issue, Mr. Maduro said, 'Lord Chavez has done so much for this wonderful country.' 'Especially when he turned it into a Socialist state.' 'Venezuelans couldn't be happier.' 'This was the least that we could have done for him.' 'I know that Lord Chavez is looking down on the Venezuelan people right now from his heavenly home, smiling and giving us his eternal blessings.' 'Even the evil, sinful, right-wing opposition whom he always forgives despite their numerous short-comings.' 'I know for a fact that the new law would make all of us very happy.'

 

                   In Iran, the people of Barsian Village have elected their first Jewish mayor. Ehud Ben Eleazer, a former doctor who originally hails from Tel Aviv, Israel was elected in a landslide vote. Mr. Eleazer was quite thankful to all the villagers who elected him into office. Speaking to his supporters after his stunning victory over heavy-favorite Hassan Nouri, Eleazer said, 'I would like to thank all of you for your support during this election.' 'It just goes to show that Iranians are not hateful towards Jews as the Western media loves to assume.' 'I am looking forward to giving you people of Barsian Village the best representation ever.' Mr. Eleazer also went on to state that one of the first things that he will do as mayor is to humbly ask permission from the Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei for Hanukkah to be made an official holiday in the village with the hope of one day making it a national public holiday before his term as mayor ends. He will also try to convince Mr. Khamenei to make it a crime for anyone to deny the Holocaust and that those who do will be punished by public execution.

Boasts from the Sporting World

              Dutch coach Danny Blind still believes that his team can make it to the Euro tournament next year despite the fact that they don't have their fate in their own hands. Speaking to Dutch sports channel Nedersport ahead of their must-win game against the already-qualified Czech Republic, Mr. Blind said, 'Of course I believe we will still qualify.' 'Belief is all you need.' 'And a little luck.' Unfortunately the rest of the Dutch camp didn't share the same sentiments. To motivate the deflated team, Mr. Blind plans to show them clips of the Euro 1988 Final and their opening Group B win over Spain from the last World Cup. After that he says that the whole team and technical staff will hold hands and pray for a miracle. Those who are Catholic will say the Rosary.

              Carli Lloyd says that she will win the FIFA Women's Player of the Year award for 2015. Speaking to this reporter, the midfielder and hero of the US Women's triumph at the Women's World Cup final in Canada back in July said, 'Without a doubt I will win it.' 'Didn't you see my performance in the World Cup final?' 'Those Japanese girls couldn't stand a chance against my fire power.' 'Besides, which other woman has scored a hat-trick in a World Cup final?' 

              Former FIFA Women's Player of the Year Marta says that the Brazilian women will win gold at the Olympics next year. Speaking to O' Globo Sport, the star striker said, 'We have been in two Olympic finals before and have fallen just short. I think that 2016 will be our year. We are not afraid of the Americans. Even though they are the reigning World and Olympic Champions. We do have a team that can beat them. Remember how we humiliated them 4-0 at the 2007 World Cup?'

 

              Maria Sharapova has boldly predicted that she will win another Grand Slam title next year. Speaking to the sports website Sportsforlife.com, the tall Russian said, 'I will win a Grand Slam title next year.' 'After all, 2016 is a year ending in an even number and it is also an Olympic year.' 'If you know my history, I typically win Grand Slams in years ending in even numbers and Olympic years which also end in even numbers.' 'Just look at my Grand Slam wins: 2004 - Wimbledon, even number/Olympic year, 2006 - U.S. Open, even number year, 2008 - Australian Open, even number/Olympic year, 2012 - French Open, even number/Olympic year and 2014 - French Open, even number year.' 'You see the pattern?'

             Holly Holm says that she will beat Ronda Rousey to a pulp in their upcoming bout. Speaking to MMA News, the former boxer turned MMA fighter said, 'I've seen numerous clips of her fighting and I can positively state that her punching power has left much to be desired.' 'Doesn't Ronda know that I am coming from a strong boxing background?' In response Rousey said, 'didn't that bimbo see what I did to the Brazilian braggart Bethe Correira in my last bout?' 'Holly would be lucky if she lasts twenty seconds with me.' 'She better watch her mouth or she may end up having to pay for a new one.' 'It may be either her mouth or her arm.' 'Either way I'll be satisfied,' the reigning UFC Women's Bantamweight Champion  said.

             Finally, Manny Pacquiao says that if Floyd Mayweather had only given him a rematch, he would have gotten his revenge. Speaking to Boxer.com, the Filipino stated that the reason why Mayweather didn't give him a rematch is that he is afraid of him. Mayweather couldn't be reached for comment because it is believed that he was too busy counting the money he made from his last two fights.

            

             

          

Faux the tabloids

Miley Cyrus says that she is giving up her bad girl image. Writing on her Facebook page, Ms. Cyrus stated that she is ashamed of her behaviour over the past few years. She also mentioned that she is fed up of giving her father Billy Ray an achy breaky heart. In order to clean up her act, the Wrecking Ball singer went on to say that she will be wearing a chastity belt and staying at a convent for one year. She hopes that the experience there will make her more spiritual and that it brings her closer to God. Her post has received over one million likes as of this writing.

X-rated movie legend Ron Jeremy states that he is finally settling down and getting married. Speaking to this reporter, Jeremy said,  'I am proud to let you know that I am finally settling down and getting married. No more promiscuity for me.' 'The lovely lady who has stolen my heart is none other than fellow X-rated movie legend Nina Hartley.' He also went on to say that the wedding will take place at a nudist colony.

 Angelina Jolie  has admitted that she is missing her breasts and that she regrets having the double-mastectomy she had two years ago. Writing on her Twitter account @AngelinaJolie, the Oscar-winning actress said: 'sometimes you do things that you regret and doing this (the double-mastectomy) was one of the biggest mistakes of my life seeing that I never had cancer to begin with.' 'I really miss them, even though they weren't so voluptuous, they were still mine and they were real. Having little is still better than having none at all.' The tweet has been favourited over one million times and has had over five hundred thousand re-tweets.

          
Madonna was recently spotted  on an Acapulco beach  making out with a young Mexican man. Asked if she was in  yet another relationship, the sometimes controversial Queen of Pop  replied, 'you know how I have a fetish for  Latino men.' 'Don't you remember that the first child I had, Lourdes, was by one of my hunky backup Latino dancers Carlos Leon?'

Kanye West has admitted in an interview that the only reason he hooked up with Kim Kardashian was the fact that she has a big butt. 'Well you know, as a black man I always like a girl with some junk in the trunk. You know what I'm saying?' 'And Kim's got plenty. I don't care if it's implants or not.' Kim couldn't be reached for comment.

 Caitlin Jenner, also known as Bruce, has admitted that  new life as a woman is extremely difficult. Speaking to Faux Entertainment Magazine, Jenner confessed, 'it's been very hard these past couple of months.' 'I never knew that being a woman would have been such a challenging experience.' 'Maybe I should have consulted a psychologist before I made such a decision, but I just didn't have the balls,' an emotional Jenner said. Well she certainly doesn't have them now.

              

 Finally, Kristen Stewart is to receive a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. The Twilight  actress and former Razzie winner said that she was 'overly ecstatic by the wonderful news.' She also admitted that life as an actress is tough, but she is glad that she is finally being given the recognition that she fully deserves for her outstanding contribution to the field.

Interview with a Porn Star

 

One day journalist Paul Simmons from blogger.com sat down to do an interview with blonde Porn Star Alexis Texas. Ms. Texas is famous for her voluptuous derriere which is quite unusual by white girl standards. This is how the interview went.

PS: Good day Ms. Texas. My name is Paul Simmons from blogger.com and I would  like to ask you  just a few questions.

AT: Oh, nice to meet you Paul. I am delighted to answer your questions.

PS: So how are you today Ms. Texas?

AT: Horny as ever.

PS: (Smiling) Okay.  So tell me Ms. Texas, how did you get into this industry?

AT: Well to tell you the truth, I hated school. I was never really into the reading and writing thing and learning math all that rubbish. I wanted to do something that made me happy. So I started stripping at night clubs when I turned eighteen and it was a good friend of mine who suggested that I take it to the next level.

PS: So is it safe to assume that you are happy with what you do?

AT: Of course. It is the best job in the world.

PS: Don’t you think that such an occupation only serves to degrade women and make them look like they are nothing more than just sex objects?

AT: Oh not at all.  In case you haven't notice, there are a lot of guys who also do porn.

PS: True. But people seldom focus on the guy. Wouldn’t you agree?

AT: Well….uh… yeah, but uh.... you know.

PS: I know what?

AT: There is nothing in the profession that degrades women. In fact, in most cases the girl is already told what is going to happen so she is fully aware of what to expect on the set.
 

PS: What if you are told to do a scene with a guy that you don’t find attractive? Would you still go ahead with the scene?

AT: Well yes. It's my job. 

PS: If that’s the case Ms. Texas, why is it then that you said that you will not do a scene with a black guy?

AT : (Sighing) Here we go again. Look, I just feel that I should be more loyal to white men and my white male fan base. Is there anything wrong with that? Besides, Denzel Washington doesn’t kiss white women in his movies yet no one criticizes him. So why am I being singled out?

PS: Well I guess you do have a strong point there Ms. Texas.

AT: Thank you.

PS: But isn’t it true that you have done scenes with Latino guys and you also did one with an Asian guy?

AT: Uh…yeah. So what? Why do people always feel that I need to do a black guy to prove that I am not racist? It’s my body isn’t it? I have done an interracial lesbian scene with a black girl already. Her name is Misty Stone. So if people want to say that I am racist that’s fine by me. There are also many other blonde white girls who do interracial with black guys. Names like Brianna Love, Flower Tucci and Shyla Stylez, just to name a few, come to mind. Those people who have a problem with my not screwing black guys can go watch their films. I don’t know why I am the one being picked on.

PS: Again, another well taken point Ms. Texas. You speak with a sense of intelligence that belittles your good looks and blonde hair.

AT: Well thank you Paul. I really appreciate the compliment.

PS: Ms. Texas, are there any new projects that you are about to work on in the near future?

AT: Well yes. My agent suggested to me that I do a film at an exotic location. Right now he is in talks with the director to get other actors for the movie.

PS: And where exactly is this exotic location?

AT: Saudi Arabia.

PS: (Jaw drops) Where?

AT: Saudi Arabia. In a place called Riyadh. I think it’s like the capital or something. I don't know exactly where Saudi Arabia is though. It must be some cool place in Europe somewhere.

PS: (Shaking his head) Uh, actually Ms. Texas, Saudi Arabia is not in Europe. It's in the Middle East.

AT: Oh. That's okay. I'm sure I'll have lots of fun.

PS: Are you sure about that Ms. Texas? People in that part of the world tend to be very conservative you know.

AT: That's great. By the way, what does conservative mean?

PS: It means that they place great emphasis on traditional values. Especially religion  and how it pertains to the dress code and moral conduct of individuals. Women in particular are to dress a certain way which will not offend the governing authorities.

AT: Well, I don’t know. I just thought that it will be a great idea to do a movie at an exotic location. I was also told that it’s typically sunny there. In addition to which, I think that I can do with a tan anyway.

PS: Do you know what could happen if you get caught?

AT: No.

PS: You could be publicly flogged.

AT: (Smiling naughtily) Well I always wanted to try S&M anyway. I guess I’ll get some good practise (laughs). Hopefully the domme will flog me on my juicy booty. It could do with a little reddening up you know.

Seeing the cluelessness of this girl, Mr. Simmons realized that it was futile trying to convince her that she was basically walking into a trap. He gave up trying to dissuade her from continuing with the project.

PS: By the way Ms. Texas, what will the movie be called anyway?

AT: Infidel Whores.

PS: Thank you Ms. Texas. I'll look forward to seeing your movie.

AT: You know Paul, that beard on your face gives you quite an exotic look.

PS: And?

AT: Maybe you might want to be a cast member in the movie.

PS: (Shaking his head and smiling out of embarrassment) Well as enticing as your offer sounds Ms. Texas, I think that I'll have to decline your offer. I grew up in a conservative home. It's not part of my values. I hope you understand.

AT: Uh, kinda. What does conservative mean again?

PS: (Slapping himself on the forehead) Good grief. It looks like its deja vu for me.

Sporting Wishes

There is a song from the 1990 movie Pretty Woman which starred Julia Roberts and Richard Gere. The name of the song is called King of Wishful Thinking, by Go West. I have to say that there are many occasions when I do in fact feel that I am the king of wishful thinking; especially regarding sports. I know that some of these wishes are quite improbable and it may seem that I am hoping beyond hope, but on the other hand, some wishes seem quite likely to come to pass. So here goes. First the improbable; in football, The Netherlands will recover from its current dreadful showing in the Euro 2016 qualifiers and make it to France next year. They will then go on to erase bad memories of the debacle in Poland 2012, where they finished bottom-last in their group and ultimately the whole tournament, by going all the way to the final where they will beat long-time rivals and current World Champions Germany 3-2 in an epic encounter to win their second major title. Robben will score a hat-trick. 

 In tennis, an American other than Serena Williams will go on to win a Grand Slam singles title. More surprisingly, the player will be Caucasian and male. Maria Sharapova will play an entire match without shrieking. In MMA Ronda Rousey will suffer the first loss of her professional career. Her opponent would be Miesha Tate who, ironically, will win by an arm-bar submission. Cris Cyborg will admit that she is transgender. She will then fight Fallon Fox. The bout will end in a draw. Many experts will hail it as the best fight ever.  Boxing:Vitali Klitchsko will come out of retirement to fight younger brother Wladimir. They will both agree to fight at the MGM in Las Vegas. Wladimir will knock his big brother out in the tenth round.

More likely to happen: A Spanish team will once again go on to win the Champions League. The team will be either current champions FC Barcelona or Real Madrid. England will once again be knocked out of the Euro tournament at the quarterfinal stage.  Spain will make at least the semifinals. Lionel Messi and his Argentina team will once again come up short at the Copa America. Serena Williams will break Margaret Court’s record for most Grand Slam Singles titles won and will be hailed as the greatest female player of all time. She will also win an Olympic gold medal. The American men’s and women’s 4x100m track and field relay teams will once again drop the baton in the Olympic final and get disqualified. The Jamaicans will win both races. Usain Bolt will win three gold medals once again in world record times.

The Chinese will dominate in the diving and table tennis competitions. Katie Ledecky will emerge as the next big American Olympic star in swimming with a very impressive multiple gold medal haul. She will be hailed as the female Michael Phelps and her image will appear on the Wheaties cereal box because it is the breakfast of champions. The Americans will once again dominate in the Olympics and end up on top in the final medal count. Host Brazil will have its best ever medal haul and end up in the top five. They will finally win gold in football in both the men’s and women’s competitions. The more impressive will be the latter as they will finally defeat their great nemesis USA in an epic final at the Maracana. Marta will emerge as the hero.

Yelena & Jenn

     

One day while giving her little daughter Eva a stroll, Russian World Outdoor Record Holder in the Women's Pole Vault, Yelena Isinbayeva met up with her American rival, reigning Olympic Champion and World Indoor Record Holder, Jenn Suhr. This was how their encounter went.

YELENA: Hi Jenn.

JENN: Hi Yelena. How does it feel to not be in the spotlight anymore?

YELENA: Are you kidding? I have been very busy since winning my last major World Title two years ago. I was an official mayor in the Olympic Village when Sochi hosted the Winter Olympics last year. I gave birth to this beautiful little girl you see here and I also got married. What have you done? Besides lose?

JENN: I’ll just remind you that I am the reigning Olympic Champion in the Women’s Pole Vault; the most prestigious title in the sport and I am also the current World Indoor Record Holder in the event with a very impressive 5.02m clearance.

YELENA: All this talk and yet you couldn’t even win as much a bronze in Beijing at the World’s this year. I, on the other hand, have been a World Champion on three occasions and an Olympic Champion on two occasions. Too bad they don’t award medals to fourth place finishers otherwise you would have had a beautiful copper medal to add to your already small collection.

JENN: Just imagine a woman who is not a current champion in any major competition right now is giving me all this talk. You’re really shameless Yelena.

YELENA: Oh, I’m the shameless one. This is coming from a disrespectful American braggart who promised to “kick some Russian butt” in Beijing during the 2008 Olympics but only ended up in second place and then had no choice but to watch me set another World Record. I know you enjoyed my show that night at the Bird’s Nest. I was the big star that night and you were just an extra on the set who was hardly noticeable despite being 6 feet tall.

JENN: Yeah Yelena. The star who, a year later came back crashing down to earth in a city called Berlin. I really felt sorry for you that night at the 2009 World’s. In fact, if I was there I would have personally called the paramedics for them to rush you to the hospital. I know your ego was badly broken that night.

YELENA: It was Jenn. You’re right. That’s why I left the stadium that night in tears. I feel no shame in that. Any great athlete can have a bad day. But I like how you conveniently bring up Berlin yet you failed to mention what happened in Zurich a week and a half later at the Golden League.

JENN: Let me guess, you did something extraordinary?

YELENA: Precisely Jenn. I set a new world record which still stands today. 5.06m. I also went on to win a share of the last Golden League Jackpot along with Sanya Richards and Kenenisa Bekele. I had previously won a share of the Golden League Jackpot in 2007; also with Sanya. I was then nominated for Female Athlete of the Year 2009 by the IAAF – an award I had already won on three previous occasions in 2004, 2005 and 2008. I lost out to Sanya that year but I didn’t mind. She fully deserved it. By the way, how many times have you won the Golden League Jackpot or the prestigious Athlete of the Year honour?

JENN: Well ain’t that typical of you Yelena? Always talking about yourself and your achievements.

YELENA: Didn't you hear when I also mentioned Sanya Richards and Kenenisa Bekele? You're not good at listening are you Jenn? Oh, but do you still remember how I also defeated you in front of my adoring home fans in Moscow two years ago? Both you and Yarisley came in as favorites but I left with the title. Yarisley even defeated you in Beijing this summer didn’t she? Likewise Fabiana and Nikoleta. If I were you I would cherish the lovely memories I had from London 2012 for as long as I live because it is hardly likely that you will experience such a great win again.

At this point baby Eva started to cry, so Yelena took her out the pram and began to bottle feed her.

JENN: Moscow is in the past. Let’s talk about Rio. I’ll call it Yelena vs. Jenn part IV.

YELENA: Well at least you’re right about Yelena vs. somebody. I wouldn’t put the name Jenn there though seeing that Yarisley seems to be the girl to beat right now. Fabiana is also a factor. Likewise Nikoleta and even some of my Russian compatriots. Silke can’t be written off either seeing that she came so close to getting on the podium in London and Moscow even though she wasn’t a factor in Beijing. You can never tell what can happen. I know for sure that I’ll be ready to reassert my dominance over the competition once again just like I did for five straight years from 2004-2008.

JENN: Are you so sure about that Yelena?

YELENA: As Suhr as I was when I knew that I would have beaten you in 2008 and 2013. Pardon the pun.

JENN: Well it’s on then. May Rio determine who is the best woman in the sport.

YELENA: It’s already a well-established fact that I am the best. History and the Record Books can confirm this. Rio will only reaffirm my supremacy. Be prepared to enjoy the drama.

JENN: I will because I’ll be starring.

YELENA: I’ll write the script and direct it then.

At this point Jenn became speechless; unable to come up with an appropriate response. She just shook her head and humbly walked away as Yelena gave her a sly smile; quite satisfied that she had won the argument. She was now thinking about winning what mattered most - Olympic Gold in Rio next year.

A world without sports

             There was a hit song from 1983 called Break My Stride by Matthew Wilder. The opening line of the song went, 'Last night I had the strangest dream.' Well, last night I did in fact have the strangest dream. Although, frankly speaking there were times when the dream seemed more like a nightmare. In my dream I was living in a world where there was no such thing as sports so some of my favorite athletes found alternative ways to make a living regardless of how modest or extreme. Here's what I saw, Lionel Messi became a full time gaucho on the Pampas and spent a simple life raising cattle and selling beef. Abby Wambach was an LGBT activist advocating for equal rights for people who make up that community. Hope Solo and Alex Morgan were porn stars. Their on-screen names were Hope So Luscious and Alexandra Morgasm. Two of the more successful X-rated films they appeared in together were aptly titled On-Field Seductions and How Chicks Score.

              Ronda Rousey worked as a prison guard but still did what she does now - beat up people and break their arms. The only difference is that now she was doing it for less money and with more risks involved. Serena Williams became a professional twerker on YouTube and was more famous and successful than Virgo Peridot, Melody Jai and Elke The Stallion.Usain Bolt was now a Dance Hall artiste going by the name Sprinter and got into a never-ending conflict with Movado and Busy Signal.

          Maria Sharapova became a fashion model and appeared on catwalks all over the world from New York to Sydney. The only problem she had now was that she was barely recognizable seeing that there were so many tall, slim blondes in the profession. She never stood out. Novak Djokovic became a professional comedian in his native Serbia but couldn't find much fame outside his country and Roger Federer became CEO of Toblerone Chocolates; the company based in the Swiss Capital of Berne.

             But perhaps the strangest and most troublesome aspect of my dream was when World Record Holder and former World and Olympic Champion in the Women's pole vault - Yelena Isinbayeva divorced her husband Nikita, who is also the father of her daughter Eva, to marry Russian President Vladimir Putin effectively becoming First Lady of Russia and wife to a man many see as a despot. What was even more disturbing was when they hired Pussy Riot and t.A.T.u to perform at their wedding which was held in the Kremlin with innumerable guests. Too much to count. It was then that I fell out of bed and woke up screaming. My heart was still beating as fast as possible. But it was all over now. Phew! Thank God that it was just a dream and my favorite athletes still have the jobs which make them famous and wealthy and that ultimately makes me and the rest of their loyal fans quite happy.

In the News

                In the news today a Christian Fundamentalist group calling itself Soldiers for Christ blew up a building in an upscale part of the Saudi capital Riyadh, killing 25 people and injuring 77 in the process. Its claim is that it believes that it is about time that Christians be recognized as an oppressed minority in the Kingdom and that women of all religions should be given equal opportunity in the ultra conservative country. The leader of the group, Peter 'First Pope' St. John went on to state that if the Saudi Government didn't give in to its demands, it should expect more attacks. U.S. President Barack Obama was one of the first world leaders to condemn the attack, saying that Christian terrorism is wrong and that the people who committed such an atrocious act should be eliminated. He then stated that he will be flying to Riyadh soon to show solidarity with the Saudi people. Asked by reporters why he didn't do the same thing after the Charlie Hebdo massacre earlier this year in France, Obama responded, "what massacre in France?"

                In other news, the Japanese Government said that it is willing to accept some of the refugees who are fleeing war-torn Syria. Prime Minister Shinzo Abe, speaking to the press said, "our country has been racially and culturally homogeneous for too long. Its about time that we the Japanese people experience multiculturalism." "I think that it will be good for our country," Mr. Abe concluded, to loud cheers from Japanese and foreign journalists.

                 In the Vatican, Pope Francis I said that work is in place for the first synagogue to be built right next to St. Peter's Basilica. The Pontiff and successor of the first pope St. Peter, the apostle of Jesus, said that it was about time that the Catholic Church gives recognition to the Jewish people after all the wrongs that it has done to them in the past. The Pope also said that the synagogue will be named after the Virgin Mary.

                  In Ferguson, Missouri, USA, a mob of about twenty white rioters, angry over the result of a hockey game which they claimed was fixed, attacked a black news crew who went to cover the initial incident, beating a female reporter into a coma and then assaulting the camera man. One of the rioters filmed the whole incident on his mobile phone and was heard shouting: ''Stormfront!'' It was a reference to the White Supremacist website. Attorney General Loretta Lynch was quick to condemn the attack. She called it a hate crime and said that those caught will be brought to justice.

                  In sports news, Justin Gatlin said that he believes that reigning World and Olympic Champion Usain Bolt is using PED's. Gatlin was quoted as saying: "There's no way that that dude can run so fast and with such consistency." "I think he's doped." Bolt could not be reached for comment because he was in Jamaica training hard for his next meet and refused to answer any calls. In tennis, Maria Sharapova admitted that she is jealous of Serena Williams and her success. ''I really can't stand her.'' Sharapova is reported to have said. When pressed further, the Russian continued, ''if it wasn't for her I would have had more Grand Slams and an Olympic gold medal.'' She was then asked to explain how is it then that she lost the 2011 Wimbledon final to Petra Kvitova and the 2012 Australian Open final to Victoria Azarenka, when she came into both finals as the firm favorite to win seeing the it was both Ms. Kvitova's and Ms. Azarenka's first time appearing in Grand Slam finals and that she had been in finals before and even won some, Sharapova responded, ''Can't a girl have a bad day?''

               In entertainment news, a sex video of Miley Cyrus engaging in intimate acts with another unidentified girl and a guy is reported to be circulating on the internet. The video can be found on the website www.beaslut.com and can be downloaded for a small fee. Miley couldn't be reached for comment, but it is widely believed that the video was done to enhance her career, just like similar sex tape scandals enhanced the careers of Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian.

Gym Routines

                For the past six months now I have been going to the gym. I know that I wrote in an earlier blog that I prefer to run than go to the gym, but on the insistence of my sister, I decided to give it a try. I have to admit that it was not my intention to look like Mr. Olympia. I just wanted to look toned. I have to say that I didn't know how hard weight training is. It leaves you in pain and at my age that pain can be a bit difficult to bear sometimes. My favorite exercise whenever I go is to work out is running on the treadmill. Nothing seems more effortless than running on the treadmill. But then again, I love running. The weight training is another issue. Sometimes whenever I start my routine as directed by the gym-instructor, I struggle to even lift the weights. My muscles (or lack of it) hurts so bad. But I guess that is all part of it. As the saying goes: 'No Pain No Gain.' The first day I started going to the gym, I specifically told the instructor that I don't want to look too buff. I preferred to look more lean and toned, like Bruce Lee. He was quick to inform me that Bruce Lee dedicated his whole life to get his body and that his look was also part of his career. He was right. That said, I know that it was always going to be difficult whenever you start the gym. I always seem to get the impression that I am not doing enough or that I am not seeing the results that I want.

                There was this one time that I was lifting weights as instructed by my trainer and the pain was unbearable. I put the weights down and just started to rub my sore muscles that ached so badly. I am always amazed at folks who seem to be older than I and can do their routines with such ease and with apparent lack of effort. I always wonder to myself: 'Are they more disciplined than me?' 'Is it something genetic?' 'Do I still need more time?' Still, with all the weightlifting that I have been doing, my biceps are still soft. Sometimes I wish that life was like a cartoon. You know, like Popeye the Sailor. All he has to do is eat a can of spinach and "Voila" he is strong.  Unfortunately, this so-called instant strength that he gains from the spinach is only temporary though. So real life is not like a  cartoon where anything can happen. It requires a lot of discipline, dedication and hard work. It is still somewhat rewarding though that, after a hard day at the office, you can come into the gym and just forget the previous eight hours that just went by. What you did wrong or what you didn't do. How many difficult people you had to deal with who were constantly giving you attitude. You just change into your gym clothes and erase the bad work day you just had from your mind. Your main focus is on yourself. Getting that desired body that you always craved or losing those excess pounds.

               Beads of sweat pour down your face as you start to run on the treadmill. You then turn the speed up because you want to show off to the person next to you how much stamina you have gained and how fast you think you can run. And even when he or she is finished you still continue because you don't want to make it seem that you have been to the gym for so long and you are not "fit." You then go on the bike and do the same thing. But then, as the saying goes, "all good things must come to an end." Your gym instructor is now ready for you now to start an exercise and he points you to the barbell. Your jaw drops as he tells you to add on some more weights.  He then instructs you on how much repetitions you must do and your heart begins to beat faster than ever. It is then you realize that you are not as fit as you think you are and that achieving the specific goal you want is not going to happen overnight.  You continue to struggle with the routine with the hope to one day see dramatic results. Nothing is ever going to happen like magic. It requires a lot of hard work. If this wasn't the case, everyone would be fit. I guess the same can be said about life's other aspects. Hard work really does bring success. How long one is willing to work to achieve that success comes down to the individual's own determination to succeed.

A phone conversation between Serena and Maria

One night Maria Sharapova gave Serena Williams a call. Serena was a bit surprised but was still willing to listen to what the Russian had to say and she responded appropriately.

SW: Hello, who’s this?

MS: It’s your greatest rival.

SW: You don’t sound like Venus to me.

MS: I’m not Venus you dummy.  I’m Maria.

SW: With all due respect Maria, a blonde whom I’ve beaten countless times should be the last person on earth to call me dummy.

MS: Why do you always have to give people this attitude? Geez. Enough already.

SW: So let me get this straight, you call my phone in the middle of the night, call me dummy when I can’t recognize your voice, as if I was even supposed to anyway, and then you have the audacity to tell me that I have an attitude?

MS: What does audacity mean?

SW: You’re blonde. You wouldn’t understand if I tell you.

MS: Excuse me? Do you have something against blondes?

SW: Do you have something against me?

MS: Why would you think that I would have something against you?

SW: Well let’s see, like I said before, I have beaten you countless times on the tennis court on all surfaces. I have more overall titles than you. Including Grand Slams and career prize money. I am ranked number one in the world and I am the current holder of all the Grand Slam titles.

MS: You think winning titles is everything in sports?

SW: Yes. That’s why I’ve been so successful for more than a decade.

MS: Well I’ve been fairly successful too. I have made millions of dollars…………..in endorsements.

SW: Precisely. Just like your compatriot Anna Kournikova.

MS: Anna who?

SW: Kournikova. Another Russian blonde with an American accent who my sister Venus and I beat regularly when she played. She’s retired now.

MS: I have never heard of her.

SW: Of course you wouldn’t. You’re so full of yourself.

MS: I beg your pardon?

SW: Any woman who can name a candy line Sugarpova as a variation of her surname has to be full of herself.

MS: Don’t you think that it’s important that I look at other avenues of earning money? I can’t play tennis forever you know.

SW: And you think that as a professional athlete, selling candy to little children is the best way to earn money outside of tennis?

MS: Listen, it was just a suggestion by my agent and I thought that I’d go along with it. Is it my fault that the venture would have been a success? Besides, both you and I know that I also have the ability to win on the court. Can’t you remember how I beat you at Wimbledon in 2004?

SW: And how many times have I beaten you since then?

MS:  Such statistics are irrelevant to me. In addition to which, I also won the US Open in 2006, the Australian Open in 2008 and the French Open in 2012 and 2014.

SW: The statistics of my beating you would obviously be irrelevant to you because it is too much losses for you to count. Besides, this year I am going for the calendar Grand Slam; having copped the first three Grand Slams of 2015 already. Do you think you can do that Ms. Sugarpova?

MS:  Look, I can see that this is going nowhere. I have had enough.

SW:  Enough of what? This conversation or my beating you?

Maria, in a rage, slammed the phone down on Serena. Still angry, she thought to herself: ‘I’ve had it up to here with this girl. Her domination of women’s tennis has to stop. It’s time that I come up with a sinister plan just like another blonde in another sport did to her great rival some years ago.’ Soon after Maria went online and sent a friend request to Tonya Harding on Facebook.